big girl pants

My first week at work was… A LOT. I feel really good about the position and I’m excited about what I get to do, which is essentially counseling people who really need it in a professional grown-up type fashion. (Old coworkers keep telling me that I’m going to be amazing at that. As with any other good thing I’ve ever heard about myself, I totally believe this.) On the other hand, I’m jumping head first into a new field that I don’t have firsthand experience with and they expect a lot out of me.

I am learning everything at least as fast as they expect me to. I’m going to be so busy, but that will feel pretty awesome and I don’t have to worry about taking work home with me, or feeling like my company is wasting my time. It’s really important to me to excel at work, I guess, and so I want to just immediately blow everybody away and then become the world’s most learned expert on substance abuse and addiction (by reading a lot of books, I figure that’s all it takes).

So I’m going to get adjusted. Also, going to hole money away like a frantic thrifty squirrel. That’s where I’ll probably be for awhile. Ciao for now, internets.

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hot damn!

I’m like…BACK.

Me, the person who sees a whole lot of good in the universe and who wholeheartedly believes in the whole future and beauty of their dreams thing, that person is back. I’m joyful.

And it didn’t take a boy, a relationship, or anything else to save me.

I want to find some ice cream and snuggle a puppy and smell some lilacs!

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adventures in gynecology

I am someone who has always known I don’t want to be pregnant. Always. I have seen friends and family members be pregnant. I’ve seen someone in labor. I’ve seen several episodes of A Baby Story. I’ve had a terrifying pregnancy scare, or two. I’ve appreciated how magnificent the process of human development is.

I like children, I like babies. And I’m pretty convinced I would be a good mother. I think that’s why people have been surprised when I explain that I’m not certain I’ll ever chose to parent, and that if I do it won’t be a biological child. (I mean beyond the basic surprise every random person seems to have when they hear that a lady my age with presumably-functioning lady parts would not have the urge to procreate. But you’re a woman!)

It’s not like I have not considered it. I have thought of every angle. And I haven’t ruled out parenthood, though I would need a lot of things to add up before I would go down that road. I can absolutely rule out the biological piece, though. So what if my feelings about pregnancy could change and I could get through a pregnancy and be ok? It’s not a necessary part of life, for me.

So I’m taking steps to surgical sterilization (or in other words, shutting me’ tubes down). In the worst case scenario, I have the procedure and regret it someday. Highly unlikely. And also, so what? Tough cookies. I’ll be left with the option to adopt which is what for 26 years of my life I have considered the best ethical and personal choice for me anyway.

I have also considered being a foster parent in the future. I know that I could do it, just like adopting a fresh baby from another person’s womb, just not 100% sure I should do it. If I ever decide that I want a child of my own, I will still be able to have one, and it will be no less precious than growing one from scratch. In all seriousness, that will not happen unless I have resources AND feel ready and able to totally dedicate my future to another being.

You know, miracle of life and all that jazz, I get it. I think I get why most people or many people seem to have the drive to procreate. I have long imagined how good-looking a baby I would make. My best friend is an incredibly, disgustingly attractive man and if we combined our powers…my god. I’m like a super genius, despite somewhat questionable heredity, so I think odds are good my kid would rock pretty hard. But yes, it’s a very powerful thing to create a life.

I’m ok not creating a life. Especially when I think that instead I could maybe change a tiny person’s existing life. Or when I think that I could stick to being The World’s Most Kick Ass but Also Nurturing Auntie and have loads more freedom and discretionary income than I would as a parent.

I am going to continue to mull my birth control options over, now that I’m so close to taking the final step but essentially what I’m thinking is, let’s tie those puppies (fallopian tubes) up!

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success!

I knew it! I had a job interview last Thursday and today I have a job. I’ll be starting in a few weeks and it seems like the most perfect position for me, exactly what I want to be doing, working with a competent and supportive team, and for only about twice as much money as I currently make.

No driving, no late nights, no weekends, no holidays.

It’s not everything, but it’s a big big awesome change and I feel like my life is on track and so…awesome.

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regression

The times when I’ve been feeling generally down about my life in the past few months all sort of come back to this sense that I’ve just gone back in time. I guess – in my worst moments – I fear/resent that instead of growing and progressing, I’m actually in a worse position at nearly 26 as I was at nearly 22. (I do think that things are looking up and even if not as soon as I hope, I will have improved things a lot by getting another job and eventually getting a small apartment alone. I’m so looking forward to that, despite that I love my roommate, because I haven’t actually ever lived alone.)

Today, I’m experiencing a familiar feeling from the pre-ex era. See, there comes a time in the best “friends with benefits” arrangements, where whilst enjoying the company of the convenient and attractive person, I look at them and think, “Goddamnit, why must he actually be a person that I like?” and also, that I better act slightly distant toward him so that he won’t get any ideas that I have ideas and I can protect my pride and stubborn refusal to express any emotion that could lead to a rejection of any kind.

I now just have to decide if I curse myself for having feelings or curse myself for not being brave enough to express them.

I’m certainly not imagining that we are more comfortable with each other and all that stuff. He wouldn’t be exactly the right person for me even if he wanted to be with me, which sometimes I wonder. It’s not just the potential for great sex or I wouldn’t even wonder. But no, I can’t imagine that me reinforcing our casualness is what’s keeping him from taking things further.

So I’ll just keep wandering along until either traditional dating miraculously works out or I have officially committed myself to Hamlet.

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we are both ok

The last 24 hours have been emotionally action-packed. Hamlet always vomits. His whole life he’s had occasions where he will barf a few times a week for a month and then be fine. Maybe he thinks he’s leaving his loved ones a gastrointestinal gift, I don’t know. Anyway, for almost two weeks there has been at least one barf a day and even though his behavior hadn’t changed, I was started to get worried. So I don’t want to get into the intricacies of cat vomit but my roommate and I both noticed last evening that the piles were more disturbing and there were way too many of them. I Googled a lot and was comforted by the fact that Hamlet was in a perfectly normal mood, but I called the vet and ended up taking him in, just in case.

$407.27 for them to make sure that he was fine (unblocked intestines and not poisoned by the Easter Bunny)  and to send him home with a diagnosis of gastroenteritis, having been re-hydrated and x-rayed and all that jazz.

I came home, relieved about Hamlet but nearing a panic attack over the bill that I had numbly paid with a check. I was A Mess and it sucked because my roommate surely wanted to know about the cat but I couldn’t speak like a sane person and instead had to immediately go into my room, lock the door and turn the volume up on my TV so that I could cry a whole lot into my pillow (middle school memories!) and start to breathe again and then explain that everything was fine. It’s overwhelming to have to pay someone $400 out of nowhere, probably for anyone, but for me it’s just…a huge amount of money.

I had to get cash into my bank account today because the alternatives were/are unacceptable to me – get money from my brother (at least that much) and pay him back in a month when I get an expected bonus stipend at work, ask a friend, bounce a check AND then not make rent. Be an entire $400 behind or ask people who love me to financially support me. The one thing that I could do and that seemed like a prudent solution was to sell my not-engagement ring, which I did.

I had considered selling it months ago, because as pretty as it was and as much as I enjoyed it, I couldn’t exactly make use of it, but it seemed like a real shame how much value was lost in selling jewelry. I decided to hang onto it and maybe use it for an emergency. Sorry, Suze Orman, I don’t have 6-8 months of income saved like I know I am really supposed to. So, that’s what I did. (And, yes, I did not buy this ring, but I kept it because I was not the breaker of the engagement and it had been given to me and it didn’t feel wrong or unkind not to give it back.)

Hamlet is ok, seems like he is already keeping food down, but I had to make sure he was ok and he had to go to the stupid vet because as owner/pet we have an implied contract that I will do my best to keep him alive and he will continue to be my loyal furry companion.

Even before all the $$$$, I was a little emotional because I thought, of all things in my life that I like and that make me feel ok, I would be devastated the most by losing my cat. I mean, people aside. Having Hamlet around will never really be as emotionally fulfilling as another friendship or romantic entanglement, but what we have must be the purest relationship a person can have, seriously. We have an unconditional mutual affection. Even stepping in a (what ended up being $400) really unpleasant puddle of vomit yesterday doesn’t diminish my positive regard for this creature.

He’s precious. The ring was just shiny.

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the wonderful world of childcare

Was babysitting this evening and when we got home I went to change into pj bottoms. My very curious almost-4-year-old roommate popped in and asked me very innocently, “What’s wrong with your butt?”

I asked, “What? I don’t think there’s anything on it.”

“Why is it so big?”

Easy answer, “everybody is different” and such. I was amused.

Among the group at the library’s pajama story hour tonight was an extremely hot dad. I spent the time lecherously texting about him and his sexy lumberjack vibe, but of course he was accompanied by a woman, presumably hot mom, and they seemed to be an obnoxiously secure family unit.

Every day can’t be a winner.

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wisdom from other people

I had a lot of fun this weekend. An obscene amount of fun. As a result, my brain feels sort of wiped.

Currently my goal is to find a job that will better support me and will somewhat resemble a career. Last week, I had some setbacks, or what felt like setbacks anyway, and I’m haunted by how much money I spent Friday and Saturday. I have been pretty disciplined with money since the move. It’s essential that I stick to my budget which sometimes means no fun. This weekend I had no choice but to have fun (hello, Hunger Games premiere). So I’m absorbing all that guilt and listening to the hedonist inside me who insists that I deserved it.

But you know I really feel pretty calm and content today. I’m moving forward.

A few months ago I started collecting my favorite quotes in a little notebook, some of them I’ve probably copied here or on livejournal ages ago. Mostly they are statements that resonated with me and I want to keep them together. Writing your own life philosophy is hard. So I’m just copying the thoughts of people far smarter and more notable than I.

Erich Fromm:

“Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.”

“Thus, the ultimate choice for a man, inasmuch as he is driven to transcend himself, is to create or destroy, to love or to hate.”

“One cannot be deeply responsive to the world without being saddened very often.”

Edward Abbey:

“Be loyal to what you love, be true to the earth, fight your enemies with passion and laughter.”

Sir Thomas Browne:

“By compassion we make others’ misery our own, and so, by relieving them, we relieve ourselves also.”

Charles Dickens:

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of it for anyone else.”

Gloria Steinem:

“In my heart, I think a woman has two choices: either she’s a feminist or a masochist.”

Victor Hugo:

“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.”

Sam Keen:

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.”

Ernest Hemingway:

“The world breaks everyone and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.”

Paul Banks:

“No matter how sad you may get, it’s always passing…Sadness is a strange companion. And a nuisance. So try not to pay it too much mind. And be present in your happy moments – and weigh them against the sad. It’s well worth it. And you will arrive somewhere wonderful with peace in your heart.”

Eleanor Roosevelt:

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”

F. Scott Fitzgerald:

“Family quarrels are bitter things. They don’t go according to any rules. They’re not like aches or wounds, they’re more like splits in the skin that won’t heal because there’s not enough material.”

Richard Bach:

“The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life.”

Anthony Brandt:

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family.”

George Bernard Shaw:

“I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live.”

Placebo:

“A heart that hurts is a heart that works.”

Frank Hall Crane:

“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.”

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spring

I had a great day. It was beautiful outside and I went for a long walk downtown with a dear friend and, probably because I am hard to get rid of, stayed and ate dinner too.

I’m trying to be mindful and appreciate every day like this where the weather is mild and the sun is back and it makes me happy. Because, as I was painfully reminded by Alec Baldwin as we watched Frozen Planet tonight, nature is cruel. I am so good at absorbing sadness, I like to think I’m equally likely to pick up joy. I do find pleasure in all kinds of things. I do laugh a hell of a lot.

But I’m cynical and acerbic. I worry.

I want to be somebody who makes the world brighter and my god that is so cheesy but I mean it. It’s my entire purpose in life, wanting to feel like I’m doing something, making my tiny contribution to earth a positive one.

So I’ve been trying to work on how I am perceived. I don’t want to seem negative and critical because, though I sure enjoy judging, I’m not a hateful person. I don’t have ill will toward people. I think I need to adjust my filter and reserve my stream-of-consciousness comments for people who know my heart.

And I’m rambling but it’s late and whatever and such.

 

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please buy my motherfucking wedding dress, somebody

It’s beautiful. Brand new. A steal. And it’s been sitting in my would-have-been-in-law’s basement for over a year, waiting to be sold for half of that time. It is the only material property that we have left between us and so needs to get sold. (I really wish I had my kitten with me, I should have fought that fight, but there’s nothingIcandoaboutthatnow and, otherwise, everything in that condo could burn down and I wouldn’t care.)

See, (if I believed in him) I (would) praise Jesus that I did not get married (to this particular individual). Sometime around November, I turned a corner. I settled into this new life and accepted, even appreciated, the whole break up fiasco.

No longer am I: brokenhearted, sad, wounded, or at all surprised by his insensitivity/general disregard for me.

The only feelings he inspires in me now, stated with confidence after just recently being exposed to said individual, are: blinding rage (my face actually turned a different color), annoyance, and mild to moderate insecurity (insofar as I really hate for people to exist in the world who dislike me and I am bothered by the fact that someone who knew me so well has seemingly not expressed a favorable opinion of me since 2010).

Look, I would have liked to have had a healthy break and maintained some semblance of a friendship. I thought with time that it might have been possible. Other people have managed to do that after all but OH I WAS SO NAIVE.

I don’t wish bad things for him (though I certainly spent time in the past doing that) and so I’m a tiny bit proud of myself. His life and happiness don’t make my life and happiness less (though it’s one thing to know that intellectually and another to feel it). I think the insecurity will fade through meditation and continued reassurances from my loved ones that I’m not Godzilla. I don’t get angry very much now, so the rage isn’t too inconvenient of a thing to deal with.

No worries. Just, internet, please buy a dress so that I don’t have this unfinished business out there in the world. It’s really very nice. And probably not infected with bitterness and disappointment.

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