case manager, devourer of foot

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Today, having met with a very nice terminally ill woman who 18 months ago was given a year to live, as we were walking back out to the waiting room making small talk -

Client: It has been just too hot lately.

Your hero: Oh yeah, last night I was DYING.

time and things

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I can’t believe that I’ve let this much time go by without comment here except of course I can believe it because that’s kinda my jam now. There are a lot of online spaces for me to share my sage wisdom so, you know, neglect. And I just don’t know what the purpose of this space is. On the other hand, I am attached to it.


Lines!


So here I am reluctantly updating my resume. School has been going so well but work has slowly been getting questionable. Someone puked, like, a whole bunch in my office last week and that I’m totally fine with. I love working with people with substance abuse issues. Love it. For this silly career I’m pursuing, I have another 800 hours of internship that need to be completed in the next two years and if my current workplace can’t accommodate that it is simply not worth me staying there. I wouldn’t have imagined a problem with doing internship at work but there may be a problem, so that was a shitty surprise.


I’m still in love, no big deal.

It is funny to look back at the last several months because it was a lot of he doesn’t care about me and nobody ever will pining when we were just on different schedules. When we were casual and stopped seeing each other it was always some conflict or me feeling clingy and telling him he was bad for my feelings and ending it prematurely and angsty separation followed by reconciling. I don’t know what my relationship would look like if I were secure. I am resolved to keep my fear from destroying me.

So it’s not like things are perfect, in that communication is an issue and we both have a lot going on emotionally, but it’s so worth it. I have never been with anyone like ohmyfuckinggodican’teven…it’s just…there are these moments where it does feel perfect. Fucking just…the best. Amazeballs. Awesome sauce. As I’ve alluded to many a time here, love makes it hard to talk pretty. I have the head feelings and the pants feelings. He makes me laugh. He’s smart and sensitive and has good, Christian-loathing values. UGHHHHHHHHHH IT’S SO OBNOXIOUSLY THE BEST.

[Considering that we aren't waiting three years to address our issues and then exploding all over town, the outlook is bright. And that, nonexistent internet reader, is the last comment I will ever make about that relationship that one time where I almost got married.]

I’m lucky, no big deal.


Hamlet is my primary source of attachment anxiety now. In class last weekend our instructor was talking about impermanence and how we are culturally bound to so much and attach to things when truly not a single thing we cling to could last forever. “What are you attached to?” she asked us.

And I thought:

C360_2014-07-24-11-55-02-477 C360_2014-08-11-06-11-32-797

Same cat, same stuffed turtle he’s sucking. Hamlet knew me before I was a best-selling self-help author with a no-nonsense straight-talk empire to rival Suze Orman.

 

 

 

gross love stuff

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Back in January, when I still remembered I had this space, I wrote about pining for someone I wanted so badly but believed I was wrong to want. (There’s that whole doubting my emotions thing.)

Here we are, 5 months later having celebrated our back to back birthdays together, pretty fucking happy and pretty fucking coupled. The sweet, nerdy guy faded away. The guy my heart has been drawn to for nearly a year loves me back.

There are no guarantees. My hyperviligence and fear and insecurity persists to some extent. Therapy – I’m into it. But fuck it because this is great. This exactly why I needed to be open and vulnerable. So I could feel this.

You never know, anyway, these two crazy kids might work out. I believe we will.

tell me something

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I’m doing much better, in terms of focusing my energy on

work

school

me

significant others

people who have potential to become significant.

Hopefully not in that order.

I had a counseling appointment and my mind was kind of blown. She knew me for like 70 minutes before pointing out to me that I am incredibly uncomfortable with my emotional mind (wise mind = emotional mind + logical mind in harmony, that whole thing). And holy fuck, I’ve been analyzing my own mind since birth, and occasionally on the internet over the last 9 years, and somehow never put the pieces together. OF COURSE I AM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH EMOTIONS.

If you had asked me if I were good with emotions I would have said YES I LOVE THEM! I’m emotionally intelligent! I’m in touch with my feelings!

Sure, I’m in touch with my feelings as far as knowing exactly what they are every second and as far as enjoying a good cry. And I just LOVE other people’s feelings because it makes me feel useful and competent helping them with them. I criticized (not wrongly) my ex for not being able to a) be in touch with his feelings and b) communicate them to me without panic and shutting down.

Meanwhile, I hate my feelings. I think I’m ok with them but every internal conflict, every insecurity I’ve ever had can be reduced to my fear of being vulnerable and my distrust of my emotions. The disconnect between what I believed I should feel and what I naturally as a human being did feel. I would have described myself as emotional and not because I am irrational or led by my emotions but because I think of that side of myself as completely ridiculous, shameful, and embarrassing. That’s not being ok with my emotions, that’s being a perfectionist robot.

(Look my ex was a robot, still. But, hmm.)

I guess the point is, I don’t have all the insight. Having someone to bounce my thoughts off of is going to be helpful and kinda fun. I’m not feeling so raw anyway at the moment. But. I wouldn’t perhaps have the tendency to break into tears nearly as much if all of the tension (IE FEELINGS!) I unconsciously build up inside myself was allowed to escape a little more often.

Truly, I’ve lived my life inside my own head. Where it is safe and comforting and everyone agrees with me. So the fellow I’m dating and trying to sleep with, albeit, without trying trying is quite possibly in his head also. Both of us sitting on the couch trying to find a good, but rejection-proof, method to get into the other’s pants. I am meant, I think, to learn some goddamn emotional bravery.

There’s no guarantee that it will really happen with this fellow, but there never is. I can’t keep dating him if he never initiates and never starts acting incredibly smitten with me. I just think it’s well worth trying to break through this awkwardness. I can cure my inhibitions, if not his.

 

dear diary

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It feels so childish, pining for someone. So far, I’ve only gone a month at a time before contacting him and starting all over again. Now it’s been almost a day. So fucking insufferable of me, because I felt fine when we weren’t talking. I felt past it (at least twice) and then made the conscious, informed decision to rip off the scab (at least twice!) and here we are.

These are the songs that make me think of him, since I’m being childish. Not so childish that I’d make a mix tape and send it. I can’t send anything.

I Will Fall (from Nashville)

Portions for Foxes (Rilo Kiley)

Colors (Amos Lee)

I’m so bad with rejection. I would rather stub my toe than be confronted with the (inconceivable) possibility of someone not being head over heels in love with me.

I felt something like this for someone in college, before I had a sane, appropriate relationship with mutual, stable feelings. This is worse though, because this asshole who had the nerve to not be head over heels in love with me is so great, somehow. I know exactly how he’s not great, I know what our issues would be together. It’s been dysfunctional. It’s just I see so clearly this potential…He was exactly the kind of person I want in my life.

Meanwhile, I’m dating someone nerdy, smart, and sweet. But he hasn’t kissed me in six weeks. And I don’t even care. I’m not invested in that. Why chase potential when I can distract myself with an unrealistic hope of someone waking up and seeing how great I am? Maybe guy who doesn’t kiss me thinks I’m great, maybe he doesn’t want to kiss me because he doesn’t think I’m great. Why worry about that when I can write in my virtual diary about this asshole, the equivalent of scribbling in pink and purple pen with hearts above the is?

I wish he really was an asshole, I would not be in this predicament.

cheer

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I took some time off after Christmas and returned to work today to find my job as grating as I left it. (I’m trying to plan an actual vacation and god forbid anybody I work with volunteering to give me coverage I must get before getting any time off approved. I do a lot of shit that nobody else does so I’m integral, as I keep reminding myself someone said once, but being integral means apparently that I’m the only person who can do any aspect of my job description, ever.) But blahblahblah I help people for a living and isn’t that just so rewarding and fun. Whatever.

I don’t really know what I’m doing with this space anymore. You missed me at Christmas, I was really very jolly. I was focused on the stuff that matters – friends, family – and I got a piece of furniture I needed and cash money so that was pretty sweet. I was pretty content.

So of course 12/27 I went and had sex with someone who doesn’t care about me. And that’s no real bummer on its own, sex with someone who doesn’t care, but this person I care about and the onesidedness coupled with my absolute refusal to learn from history made for a great day of shame 12/29.

I am starting therapy again. It’s been a long time and I need to figure out primarily how to take better care of myself. I’m just not doing it on my own despite my stubborn belief that I HAS ALL THE INSIGHT*. I don’t know what really triggers all of my sadness/insecurity/anxiety, that is, what makes it worse some times than others. Lately, let’s say since I last wrote if not longer, I have been raw. Just walking around like an exposed nerve. I hate the idea that anyone else, especially at work, could pick up on me not being…together/confident/normal/happy. I hate the idea that it could have made me a less effective worker for my clients. So, therapy.

Seriously, for the better part of a week I really thought I nailed this seasonal joy thing. Maybe next year I will get it right.**

 

* My favorite new insight into myself is that I undermine most things I do or any accomplishment I might have with this nagging, irrational belief that it just doesn’t really count because I’m not the best. I’m not a genius. Everything could be better, so who cares if I do well. Except I care so hard that failing or making a mistake is essentially THE WORST THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN.

** See, I made a bad choice and it led to me being sad after Christmas so I failed at Christmas/winter/life.

 

confessions

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I’m a mature, educated young woman who does professional rewarding work, has a healthy sexual appetite and a close, tightknit social circle. And instead of watching the stupid Red Sox win the world series last night with an attractive man I (used to) screw, I was in bed fantasizing about a life in which I have a boyfriend and we adopt a puppy together and cook Thanksgiving food and snuggle.