time machine


I read many an advice column. I love them, I don’t know why, though the advice is mostly predictable. File this first question under Things That Make You Go  “Really?!”

Women can not win. It’s not enough that this *gasp*unwed lady decided to carry a pregnancy to term, because it’s like TEH CHILDREN will learn all about how even ladies without rings on their fingers can grow babies, but being innocent and not assholes, TEH CHILDREN might assume it’s OK to be a single mother and then they will all go out and get pregnant! So, the only acceptable thing for this young woman to do, short of resigning in shame, is to have never had sex in the first place. The thing is, I’m sure the letter writer wholeheartedly supports that premise, that the biggest place women go wrong in the whole reproductive hootenanny is that they have the audacity to be sexual. Sex is dirty and we should all resist anything that makes our bodies tingle or our minds stray from thoughts of cute cats on the internet. Which would be fine if human beings weren’t innately sexual beings.

It’s not charming, those attitudes and judgments but, I’m not getting hung up on it because I also discovered this. I do love me some old timey sexism. From 1923, a time when rules about how to be a good woman were published and eagerly consumed by the general public; that would never fly in these modern times. Well whatever, let’s see how I measure up!

Don’t be extravagant. Nothing appeals more strongly to a man than the prospect of economic independence.

I stopped grocery shopping six months ago. Does that count as being frugal? (Seriously though, while I totally understand that my current salary must be terrifying to future potential partners, I’m quite proud of the fact that I am surviving and supporting myself on it.)

Keep your home clean. Nothing is more refreshing to the eyes of the tired, nerve-racked worker than the sight of a well-tidied home.

Let’s not discuss whether or not my home is currently tidy.

Do not permit your person to become unattractive. A slovenly wife makes a truant husband.

I shave my legs, armpits, and sometimes other parts. I try and smell nice. I brush my teeth on a regular basis. Let’s call that good enough!

Do not receive attention from other men. Husbands are often jealous and some are suspicious without cause. Do not supply the cause. Friendly attentions from others may be received in a spirit of perfect innocence. When reported by the busy-body they become distorted, often criminal.

Indeed, I recognize that someone giving me attention (or not) is totally under my control and thus I am responsible for his behavior. Fair. But I do receive “friendly attentions” from a lot of the intellectually disabled people I work with. So any husband of mine will rightly assume I’m an incredible whore.

Do not resent reasonable discipline of children by their father. Mothers should not assume that all chastisement of a child by his father is severe and unjustifiable.

Oh right, I’m female, put on earth for baby-making and such. That’s going to be a problem…

Do not spend too much time with your mother. You may easily, in such a way, spend too little time at home.

Hmm, The reason I don’t spend enough time at home cleaning and domesticating is not really related to visiting my mom. If anything, she would be a good influence on my marriageability.

Do not accept advice from neighbors, or even stress too greatly that of your own family. Think for yourself. Have a plan of your own for solution of home problems. In all causes consult freely with your husband.

Don’t ask anyone for advice, think up your own idea to later present to a dude to either get shot down or to receive a loving pat on the head and a yummy wife biscuit. Atta girl! Hmm. I am, truthfully, very easily influenced by the approval of others so I’m doing great on this point.

Do not disparage your husband.

Don’t talk shit about people you love. Ok, that’s fine.

Smile. Be attentive in little things. An indifferent wife is often supplanted by an ardent mistress.

I like these little sayings but the real question is would Indifferent Wife or Ardent Mistress make a better band name?

Be tactful. Be feminine. Men, in the last analysis, are but over-grown children. They do not mind coaxing, but they resent coercion. Femininity attracts and compels them. Masculinity in the females repels.

So many exciting rules in one! I’m tactful. I… have boobs. I don’t employ overt coercion on the average date. The one issue here is that I’m aiming t0o high by expecting men to function as adults. As a non-pedophile, it seems I’m not going to find a fulfilling match in the opposite sex. Alas.