The times when I’ve been feeling generally down about my life in the past few months all sort of come back to this sense that I’ve just gone back in time. I guess – in my worst moments – I fear/resent that instead of growing and progressing, I’m actually in a worse position at nearly 26 as I was at nearly 22. (I do think that things are looking up and even if not as soon as I hope, I will have improved things a lot by getting another job and eventually getting a small apartment alone. I’m so looking forward to that, despite that I love my roommate, because I haven’t actually ever lived alone.)
Today, I’m experiencing a familiar feeling from the pre-ex era. See, there comes a time in the best “friends with benefits” arrangements, where whilst enjoying the company of the convenient and attractive person, I look at them and think, “Goddamnit, why must he actually be a person that I like?” and also, that I better act slightly distant toward him so that he won’t get any ideas that I have ideas and I can protect my pride and stubborn refusal to express any emotion that could lead to a rejection of any kind.
I now just have to decide if I curse myself for having feelings or curse myself for not being brave enough to express them.
I’m certainly not imagining that we are more comfortable with each other and all that stuff. He wouldn’t be exactly the right person for me even if he wanted to be with me, which sometimes I wonder. It’s not just the potential for great sex or I wouldn’t even wonder. But no, I can’t imagine that me reinforcing our casualness is what’s keeping him from taking things further.
So I’ll just keep wandering along until either traditional dating miraculously works out or I have officially committed myself to Hamlet.