if death wasn’t difficult enough already

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I hate people dying.

I hate that it’s always a surprise.

I hate the agony of losing someone close to me (thankfully, not this time).

I hate the nagging guilt and discomfort of losing someone who should have taken up more space in my life.

I hate looking at a Facebook profile full of posted messages to the deceased. We r goin to miss you R.I.P and miss and love you always. What the everliving fuck? I can’t wrap my head around the concept, or if I can, I know that my perspective is so harsh and nasty and judgmental that I hate myself for having it.

#itshouldhavebeenme! as my brother joked.

Believe me, I know I don’t get to say how other people should grieve. And the further away I am from the loss, the more I should keep my damn mouth shut.

Being far away makes a person feel alone. Though it’s very clear to me tonight, I could have much worse problems.

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