dec. 1

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I signed up for Holidailies this year. My hope is that being motivated to write more often will somehow give me more to say. I’m working on better self-care…or at least I’m  constantly telling myself that I need to work on it, my name is Danielle and I live in the Preparation Stage of Change. Anyway, complacency aside, part of what I know is good for me is mindfulness. This Christmas season has the potential to be fantastic and I don’t want to sleepwalk through it.

I secured my very first vacation from work from 12/21-12/30. I’ll have plenty of time (sadly, not plenty of $) to prepare for my family visitors and get FESTIVE! I haven’t broken out the Christmas music but I expect my holiday obsession to kick in any day now. Let me try “The Bells of St. Paul” in the shower today and see how it suits me.

INOTHERNEWS, I am seeing my new special friend tonight for the third time. I’m really afraid. (Was I ever brave about this stuff? Probably not.) I don’t like liking someone because FEAR and adding to that is that things have gotten sexual. That part was really great and I want to keep engaging in that part. What makes me nervous is that no matter how much I want a modern, feminist relationship and that I deserve a modern, feminist partner, I see traditional “rules” play out around me. I hate to believe that my slutty nature (which I don’t want to be insecure about) is going to sabotage something with more than sexy potential. My ex once told me that he would not have kept dating me if we had sex on the first date. I know that that’s bullshit but it’s common, pervasive bullshit. I shouldn’t have to compromise my values to appeal to people because obviously the kind of people that would be put off (by my putting out, teehee) won’t work for me anyway. I’m not traditional, I don’t want to be traditional, so I should not be worried. If I’ve accidentally taken a turn with this person into Casual Sexville, population AlwaysMe, at least I’m getting…looking for a car metaphor here…my oil changed? Jesus, nevermind. The point is, as usual, I know I need to relax and believe that I’m emotionally smart enough to date in a way that works for me.

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