dec. 3 – hop aboard the anxiety express


I’m writing this at work. Sorry for the time theft, but it just so happens that during the beginning of my week my schedule is booked and when those people don’t show, I have legitimately no work to do. I’m going to be busy later in the week and could try and get a jump on things but…nah. It’s nice feeling like I have enough of a handle on my job that I can procrastinate. It’s bad feeling like I could be more industrious if not for the procrastination. (Ok, I’m aware procrastination is a choice and not a disease. I read the DSM-IV.)

My date has again been postponed. The fellow made a scheduling error and was not free in the pm. He offered to come by anyway and just explained that he didn’t have much time if he did which made me SO NERVOUS (I do not trust men and their mysterious intentions) and caused a brief inner conflict which resulted in me saying we should just reschedule. Frankly, I was friskier than a cat in heat and there had been much R-rated discussion so I was bummed to put off seeing him. But I knew exactly what would happen if he came over and did some sexy time and immediately left, which is to say, I would have a good time but pretty quickly feel lonely/sad for the rest of the day. I suggested Tuesday, we are seeing a movie.

I’m not trying to be proper. I am trying to get my needs met. It’s ok if the already consummated dating doesn’t lead to a long-term relationship, but liking this person as much as I think I do, I just can’t do the hookup thing. Why am I so unlikely to think that someone finds me date-able? I’m very insecure about this (AND MOST THINGS).

It all goes back to the fear that I’ve been carrying around, oh, forever. Even after living through it and being stronger for it. I don’t want to get my heart broken. 

Nothing’s going to happen to my heart if I continue to qualify everything and distance myself and avoid excitement. But who am I kidding? People slip in there. Leading to teeny tiny heartbreaks, I guess, that can be better handled.