Last Friday I was driving by my apartment complex, heading to Target to grocery shop and drink Starbucks, when my car broke down. It turns out that I was out of oil and the garage found that my radiator needed to be replaced. I hate that I didn’t check the oil. I hate that I couldn’t stop myself from crying while I waited for AAA. Like every car incident I’ve ever had, it ended in uncontrollable tears, and in my being rescued by my father and his car repair connections.
I’ve been sort of disconnected from the whole process since AAA hauled the car away. I’m very lucky that I had somewhere for it to go, that the repair is not epic, that I don’t need to have cash in hand to get it done, that I had PTO for the three days of work I’ve missed so far. I think I will be able to go pick it up tonight. I’m not even calling the garage, I’m letting my dad do it and report back to me despite that he’s not even in the state right now. I feel like such a failure.
I’m much more rational than I was Friday but I can’t quite shake that feeling. I’ve watched a lot of Netflix and tried a lot of new recipes (brownies, pizza dough, crepes) in the past few days and I’m not enjoying it because I feel so lame about calling out of work for 3 days. If my brother had been home, maybe we could have worked out a way for both of us to get to work but even that would have been difficult, and I’m on my own. I know one of the counselors at work lives in my town and even works my hours but we aren’t close and I was not willing to even ask. I guess I think I’m letting someone down by not being there but for fuck’s sake this is a valid reason to not be there. No one is giving me a hard time about it, except me.
I was very hard on myself the other day, mostly because I think I’m 26 and employed I shouldn’t be walking around with $5 in my savings account or driving a 2001 whatever because I can’t afford a car payment or ever need financial help from somebody else. But here I am.
And again, what the fuck, me?! I made a life for myself. I am surviving on my own even if it’s a struggle and I will not be struggling forever. I’m the first person in my family to go to college. I don’t think it makes me smarter or better, since damnnnn I am paying for that degree, but I had goals and I have worked toward achieving them. I pay my bills, even weeks when it means a lot of ramen noodle dinners. I buy Hamlet very good quality cat food despite that he shows no appreciation for it.
I’ve been spending the last three days trying to relax and give myself a break and feel ok. I have. Sometimes I think I have to try to0 hard to not beat myself up. (I don’t need to start a shame spiral about how I have too much shame because that is an exhausting infinity circle of negative self-talk.)
Ugh, the end. I’ll be fine.