Recently I developed a new test for judging potential partners. (That’s what I desperately need, more ways to narrow down the immense pool of great, eligible men trying to bang down my door.)

Remember that moment in Bridesmaids where Jon Hamm, playing a painfully convincing uberdouche, greets the main character cheerfully with “BOOM. What’s up, fuck buddy!” I died. The line is fantastic, it’s so perfectly callous and offensive of him and sadly believable. Oh fictional overconfident selfish turd, I have screwed so many of you.

By the way, it’s very possible to have a fuck buddy friends with benefits slam piece relationship and maintain that casual intimacy without hurt feelings and with good sex. I’m sure of it. Dude in Bridesmaids was not good sex. The one time attractive but totally useless and unfortunate would-be fuck buddies that I have encountered were either not good sex or they were too self-impressed for me to stand being near.

“Hey fuck buddy!” serves to demonstrate how clueless and rude the speaker is in the movie, while being hilarious. I do not recommend ever referring to one’s fuck buddy in this manner – there are too many variables and it’s not going to be cute in 99% of circumstances, even if you are not a douche.

BUT, is fuck buddy not the cutest most ironic pet name for anyone in an actual loving and committed long term relationship? Ugh. If I loved someone and they rocked my socks off in bed and they cuddled and watched Home Movies with me and referred to me sweetly as “fuck buddy?” Gah! I’m sorry, that is adorable.

That is the new bar. For someone to appreciate me as a full, complex individual with all kinds of crap to offer them and for that person to have the kind of sense of humor and sensibility to appreciate “fuck buddy” as the ultimate moniker for one’s soul mate.

It’s not a test that can really be put practically into place, but I’ll be testing in my imagination.