old and tired

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I took needed time off from work today and I’m sure I will pay for it later. It was a good choice, though. My body feels middle-aged sometimes and I need to stop putting off my yoga goal.

My dad called both me and my brother to tell us he needed to take his dog to the vet tonight and it might mean putting her down. And it did. She had a good run. Mostly it is sad because he sounded so sad.

I really feel for my father and I hate those moments when I know he is in pain. He’s really proud. But he’s having a hard time.

I don’t like having to worry about my parents’ well-being, with money especially because I know how much it sucks and I can’t help and a big part of me resents that they aren’t more secure so that I could relax and not worry…

And then there’s all that baggage because I do blame my father for his past behavior and I sometimes wish we didn’t have a relationship so that again I wouldn’t have to worry.

Recently, I have been focused on the nastiness, the dark stuff that shaped me in weird uncomfortable ways and it’s fair to say I’ve forgotten a lot of good stuff.

My dad was the best dad on field trips. He is made sure I knew I was loved and beautiful and smart. I was not allowed to drive in the snow ever. I was not allowed on trampolines. All he cared about in the world, I think, were his children.

He made pancakes every morning for a long time because we liked them, but I got sick of them. I kept eating them because he seemed to enjoy doing it so much that I wanted to pretend that I liked them. That pretty much sums up our whole dynamic right there. I don’t want to let him down.

I’m so sorry that his (our) dog died and that he is alone.

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