dear diary

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It feels so childish, pining for someone. So far, I’ve only gone a month at a time before contacting him and starting all over again. Now it’s been almost a day. So fucking insufferable of me, because I felt fine when we weren’t talking. I felt past it (at least twice) and then made the conscious, informed decision to rip off the scab (at least twice!) and here we are.

These are the songs that make me think of him, since I’m being childish. Not so childish that I’d make a mix tape and send it. I can’t send anything.

I Will Fall (from Nashville)

Portions for Foxes (Rilo Kiley)

Colors (Amos Lee)

I’m so bad with rejection. I would rather stub my toe than be confronted with the (inconceivable) possibility of someone not being head over heels in love with me.

I felt something like this for someone in college, before I had a sane, appropriate relationship with mutual, stable feelings. This is worse though, because this asshole who had the nerve to not be head over heels in love with me is so great, somehow. I know exactly how he’s not great, I know what our issues would be together. It’s been dysfunctional. It’s just I see so clearly this potential…He was exactly the kind of person I want in my life.

Meanwhile, I’m dating someone nerdy, smart, and sweet. But he hasn’t kissed me in six weeks. And I don’t even care. I’m not invested in that. Why chase potential when I can distract myself with an unrealistic hope of someone waking up and seeing how great I am? Maybe guy who doesn’t kiss me thinks I’m great, maybe he doesn’t want to kiss me because he doesn’t think I’m great. Why worry about that when I can write in my virtual diary about this asshole, the equivalent of scribbling in pink and purple pen with hearts above the is?

I wish he really was an asshole, I would not be in this predicament.

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