check engine light


Things are not bad but I can’t say that I’ve been in a good space.

Just before I got home today, my check engine light came on. Could be nothing and is likely a non-emergent thing. But I will let it hang over me until I feel emotionally brave enough to get it checked out. After pay day. Hope it’s a one pay day issue.

Every documentary I watch on Netflix (and they are excellent documentaries – Hot Coffee, The Silent War) seems to lead me back to the depressing and familiar conclusion that we live in Backwards Land where a) nothing in our system makes sense and b) nobody seems to care to be informed about any of it. Tonight it was The House I Live In. I have so many thoughts about it, especially given the career I’ve set out on. Too many…And until I can figure out how to speak about it like a smart person, I highly recommend that you just watch it.

I could be wrong about people being largely ignorant to these issues but even in my organization – the place where we can observe daily the way that everyday people struggle with drug use and have that struggle made harder by roadblocks thrown at them by our justice system and fight to regain any sense of self-worth or purpose and these are the people who have fought hard enough to even attempt treatment, meaning they are already stronger and better equipped than many people I will never meet – I don’t see much consciousness about “THE WAR ON DRUGS” and how much total shit it is.

I’m all about playing the cards you’re dealt and personal responsibility. I will bring clients back to that constantly, because it is not helpful in recovery to focus on unfairness. We all have damage. Unfair or not, this is your circumstance, now what would you like to do with it? I’m alllllllllll about that. But I will not pretend that we all start out on the same playing field. I will do whatever I can do to change this broken system.

But…what is that?