cheer

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I took some time off after Christmas and returned to work today to find my job as grating as I left it. (I’m trying to plan an actual vacation and god forbid anybody I work with volunteering to give me coverage I must get before getting any time off approved. I do a lot of shit that nobody else does so I’m integral, as I keep reminding myself someone said once, but being integral means apparently that I’m the only person who can do any aspect of my job description, ever.) But blahblahblah I help people for a living and isn’t that just so rewarding and fun. Whatever.

I don’t really know what I’m doing with this space anymore. You missed me at Christmas, I was really very jolly. I was focused on the stuff that matters – friends, family – and I got a piece of furniture I needed and cash money so that was pretty sweet. I was pretty content.

So of course 12/27 I went and had sex with someone who doesn’t care about me. And that’s no real bummer on its own, sex with someone who doesn’t care, but this person I care about and the onesidedness coupled with my absolute refusal to learn from history made for a great day of shame 12/29.

I am starting therapy again. It’s been a long time and I need to figure out primarily how to take better care of myself. I’m just not doing it on my own despite my stubborn belief that I HAS ALL THE INSIGHT*. I don’t know what really triggers all of my sadness/insecurity/anxiety, that is, what makes it worse some times than others. Lately, let’s say since I last wrote if not longer, I have been raw. Just walking around like an exposed nerve. I hate the idea that anyone else, especially at work, could pick up on me not being…together/confident/normal/happy. I hate the idea that it could have made me a less effective worker for my clients. So, therapy.

Seriously, for the better part of a week I really thought I nailed this seasonal joy thing. Maybe next year I will get it right.**

 

* My favorite new insight into myself is that I undermine most things I do or any accomplishment I might have with this nagging, irrational belief that it just doesn’t really count because I’m not the best. I’m not a genius. Everything could be better, so who cares if I do well. Except I care so hard that failing or making a mistake is essentially THE WORST THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN.

** See, I made a bad choice and it led to me being sad after Christmas so I failed at Christmas/winter/life.

 

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Hamlet’s emotional well-being

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I’m in bed already. Work has been demanding but APPARENTLY I have sleep apnea which for, oh, the past two years or so has been keeping me from a good night’s rest. I’m embarrassed it took me this long to ask my doctor about the three times a night that I wake up having to pee. Hopefully I’ll get one of those lovely robot masks and I’ll be set. Honestly, years with out sleeping through a night. It became routine and I never realized the fix was so obvious.

Hamlet is fighting my phone for my hand’s attention.

I’m clearly not having enough sex as no one has noticed the whole breathing stoppage. My one special sleepover buddy does tend to play video games while I sleep. Still. How bad must my sinister snoring be?! I guess I will find out after my sleep study.

I seriously have been 100% preoccupied with work and trying to maintain self care. Yet somewhere in there I grew complicated romantical feelings for my non-observant sleep partner. I’m so confused. And I don’t mean Hamlet, though he steadfastly continues to share my bed. When I moved here and he started sleeping with me, I thought it was a strange behavior change; now I wonder if he’s standing guard over my breathing. (I’m being facetious.)

Now I shall slumber while my body fights to kill me in my sleep.

12/11/12

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In the past 12 months, I’ve

  • learned to competently parallel park (in very big, welcoming spaces only)
  • signed a lease for the first time
  • started the best job I’ve ever had
  • changed my phone number for the first time in 9 years
  • made new friends
  • been 100% unattached
  • been really, truly independent
  • stayed sexy
  • maintained Starbucks gold rewards status

Not too shabby.

check in

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Apartment: Awesome

Boxes: 70% Unpacked

Hamlet: Spoiled

Work: Exciting

Car: Functional

Sex: Semi-Regular

Money: What is that?

Causes of Anxiety: election season, romantic choices, missing cheesecake pans

Supports: friends with proclivities for board games, sane brother/roommate, free Amazon Prime trial, autumn

wait three years and write her a letter

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Well, things are not going so smoothly in the monkey-pigeon household. See, the pigeon has always had difficulty expressing emotions of any kind to the monkey and over a period of nearly three years they developed a particular way of communicating that was manageable but frustrating, at least when disagreements presented themselves. Though the pigeon is prone to introspection, she can be combative and/or defensive, and her verbosity and self-assuredness often intimidate the emotionally and/or verbally constipated monkey. The pigeon appreciates how the monkey is generally affable and easy-going but he tends to offend the pigeon with unsolicited and unnecessary attempts to placate her, when she is not at her happiest or most pleasant. And the pigeon resents that the monkey frequently decides that he is not bothered “enough” by an issue to address it with her, until that is, the issue has occurred multiple times and he realizes that it now bothers him quite a bit.

 

Annnnnd I’m already sick of talking that way, and talking about our (currently) unhappy home in general. This is one of those times, anyway, where I failed to post regular updates and now have to make a bunch of dry updates.

 

I got a job (part time) in February. I kind of like it. On a day-to-day basis, it’s perfectly pleasant and sometimes rewarding, however, not at all challenging. For now, it’s good because HELLOH it’s a job and it’s not furthering my career but it is in my field and so I intend to stick with it for awhile. I would sure love some health insurance but WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS, COMMUNIST CHINA?! so…yeah, oh well.

 

Rob and I have had teh issues lately but I do have some confidence that we will work out things out soon. We have some wedding things to wrap up but we are mostly in a planning lull that is awfully comfortable. It will be less comfortable if we have to call everybody and say, Gee, we are just never going to be able to sustain a marriage in which we are expected to talk to each other, how about getting that deposit back? of course.

 

I’m far more optimistic than that, truly, but I honestly feel a need to cover my bases. Then I get to Win The Break Up, in the unlikely event one occurs. It may be the last thing I want and it may completely cripple me, but goddamnit, I will pretend it’s my idea if it comes to it.

chugging along

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Today I received a paycheck for the day that never happened.

I’m hosting a mini-Thanksgiving this year, which is super exciting actually. I’m putting a lot of energy into the holidays but I’m especially energetic about this because I haven’t been able to even attend a real Thanksgiving for a few years due to work. And, rather than trying to feel comfortable with Rob’s extended family and their adorable but perplexing mid-meal dish-washing and Italian over-preparation of food and extreme politeness, which I’ll contend with come Christmas, I’ll be spending it with some close friends, including my sister.

She’s knocked up by the way. It’s great on its own, the prospect of FINALLY having a baby around for me to play with. Of course, it’s nice for her also and technically it will be her offspring, I recognize that. I’m not a complete narcissist. I just think I’m better off because I get to be the Aunt and put in very little effort for oodles of baby reward. So yes, it’s good news, but there are strings attached. Let’s just say I’m hoping that a) douche is not a genetic trait and b) she is not making the painful mistake of thinking that a baby and some good old fashioned love is magically enough to fix a toxic relationship. I’ve been struggling to be both supportive and honest. I’m not sure that’s entirely possible. There’s not much I can do anyhow, as I’m not allowed to live Other People’s Lives for them. On the bright side, 28 weeks to BABY!

The cats are getting along well and it is frickin’ beautiful. Since getting the kitten, I thought they were all friends but apparently not, because in the past few weeks they have taken it to another level. Somebody is licking somebody else in this house round the clock!

And I should know because I’m unemployed and a witness to much cat activity. I have nothing better to do.

test?

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Well. I might as well start here since I have been absent from livejournal for months and opened this account long before that. Most likely I wouldn’t even bother except that I’m working and there isn’t a lot to keep me alert let alone occupied at 3:45 in the morning. I always find it a little sad when I don’t blog but I have been very busy and mostly happy for quite awhile so it’s not too much of a surprise that I haven’t. I do wish I had a little more of a record of the last year or so. I don’t write in a paper journal and I popped my scrapbooking cherry last January but haven’t completed one since. Not that my entire life is a collection of unfinished projects and loose ends!

Seriously, my life has been so good. I am working part time now at the job that I left in February but in a different, awake all night position, while I job search and recover from back surgery (a discectomy performed about two weeks ago). And because of complications from the job I recently had to leave in order to have the surgery, health insurance is again kind of a mess. What I wish I had realized a long time ago, is that my boyfriend’s company considers me his domestic partner. So, perfect, insurance. Except IBM up and bought his company and they are in a transition period. IBM does not consider me a domestic partner so soon, and no idea how soon, no insurance. There will be bills for deductibles but at least I have been covered. And I’m finally getting a root canal, after almost a year of favoring one side of my mouth, that will be partially covered. I am just healing and walking as far as my back goes but I will need to start physical therapy toward the end of August. So…yeah, lots and lots of medical bills that my amazing domestic partner and/or boyfriend will have the burden of paying. We can swing it. Or, more honestly, he can. It doesn’t help my sense of self or neurosis that I am not financially independent but I am lucky. We have been shacking up for nearly two years now and we have become a family. Money for ridiculous deductibles or no, I am lucky.

I continue to be in love which is why I was not sarcastic in saying life has been good. Plus, I feel so much better physically since all my discs are unherniated. My memories of post-op discomfort during the first week have been blurred by oxycodone, and now I am relatively functional. That is, no lifting or bending, but fewer sound effects involved in everyday movements. I was, again, much assisted by my life partner. He says that he doesn’t think much about all the help he’s given me because I’ll be changing his diapers when he’s 80 and it all evens out. Pretty sure he said it in a more romantic, delicate way. Though that is the way I would expect any mature, loving person to act in a relationship such as ours, I’m grateful. He doesn’t have to be decent and he has truly gone above and beyond, anyhow. He watched Bethenny Getting Married? and procured many random snack foods at odd hours. He also helped change my socks and didn’t shame me for going five days without showering. He continues to do household chores that aren’t easy for me, including the litter boxes which are being littered in by no less than five cats. Well, four and a half. We are taking care of a friend’s two adult cats but I sort of spent too many days in a row visiting animal shelters and we adopted a new kitten. She’s cute too, Willy Wijacks. She has mutant feet and is now about three months old. I will update with an obnoxious amount of pictures, obviously, at a later date. She has been great company, as have our guest cats for the most part.

It seems things are not crazy different from where I left them. Change of job, resolution of back issues, crazy cat lady. I think that’s all the important stuff.