dec. 29 – abouts

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I need a new about page, or mostly new. I avoid writing those things but it shouldn’t quite be so hard. Like most bloggers, one of my favorite topics is myself, so one would think I have plenty to draw from.

Hmm. I’m 26, I was born in and live in New Hampshire. I’m an INFJ, which I think is apt, the introvert bit being the most relevant. I’m fat and PS I like saying “fat” without a negative connotation as I’m also content with my body.

I guess there are lots of things informing my world view and that would be the kind of thing to share. I’m a feminist, who was raised to be both Catholic and unassertive, so that feels like a minor miracle. I don’t believe in miracles,  however, what with the agnosticism.

I think I understand faith and I remain as open-minded as possible with the conviction that it should be left out of government. And I do care about politics. (I think the country that I live in is dysfunctional and one of the reasons for that is a right-wing obsession with being a Christian nation that is neither constitutional nor moral.) I resent any implication that with out a specific and limiting belief in a deity that I can’t be an ethical and righteous person. I care about people and I do my best to be kind and principled and I can do so without being motivated by heavenly rewards. And now I am sounding super sanctimonious which I also dislike.

I like a lot of things. Music – The Mountain Goats, Florence and the Machine, Ellie Goulding are in circulation most often right now. Television – JON HAMM (I mean Mad Men), Parenthood, Parks and Recreation are favorites. Movies – Pan’s Labyrinth, Good Night and Good Luck, Hanna, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall are some.

I get enthusiastic about stuff. Starbucks, bacon, Japanese erasers, post-it notes, cute internet videos of puppies or babies or babies and puppies together, candles, and kitchen gadgets are among them. I find it very exciting if I spot a wild rabbit among the landscaping in a grocery store parking lot which, oddly, has happened more that once.

I live with my brother and one seven year old feline named Hamlet, Prince of Denmark who appears in 99% of my cell phone pictures.

I work at a substance abuse treatment facility. Before that I worked with adults with acquired or developmental disabilities and some mental illness. Before that I worked in two residential programs for children and teens in foster care.

 

I had written something else in there that I’ve been wanting to come out with. I never have discussed it when I wanted to and in my life, it is the closest thing I have to a secret. But it’s not that secret anymore. I have friends, even acquaintances who know. It’s not something I’m ashamed of. I haven’t ever shared it here because once upon a time there were people, including a few family members, who knew me in real life and had the link to this blog (or my first blog, anyway). I doubt many of those people or any of those people are reading still but I don’t know. And lilaeden has been tied to my online presence for a long time. It’s not inconceivable that someone could stumble upon this space either.

So this is the disclaimer, if you are somebody who knows and loves me and enjoys judging my life choices as is understandable, you might need to tune some stuff out. I’ll use cuts and if you chose to read beyond them then it will be your responsibility to process any potentially upsetting information. I won’t apologize if you read something I haven’t told you (there’s probably a reason) and then wish you didn’t. Just don’t be tempted! I’ll suggest strangers’ writing that will be better and more enjoyable than mine anyhow. Ok.

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dec. 27 – oopsie

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Hmm, about that Holidailies business… Lack of posting was not for lack of fun.

I’ve had quality Christmas merriment with every member of my family. I baked. I failed to watch A Muppet Christmas Carol as is requisite but nothing bad happened as a result. My nephew and sister are still here and he is the cutest toddler alive, nay, the cutest toddler that has ever lived. He’s sweet and even Hamlet wants to hang around him.

Our family has its fair share of baggage but all the get together-ing was pretty peaceful this year. The issues that do exist are not really my issues, they’re for other people to address with each other (or not) and not for me to agonize over.

I got enough material goods to satisfy my hungry consumerism beast, and my father gave his offspring cash in lieu of presents which I sorely needed this week to make up for my overreaching hostess instinct.

The weather right now is apparently really shitty from Massachusetts to Maine but it’s been fine here.

2012 was simply having a wonderful Christmas time level Christmas. The best. My brother insisted that our mother not be allowed to put his picture on Facebook, so I did her a favor and masked him in one of our pictures so she could post a group shot without violating his privacy. Which gave me an idea, naturally. YOU’RE WELCOME.

I'm the plump lady on the left.

I’m the plump lady on the left.

I haven’t had any further romantic adventures what with the holidays and house guests. I’ve gotten nervous about this guy that I met after Thanksgiving (great first date guy), as inevitably my fascinating love life is a prime conversation topic around these parts – inquiring maternal minds want to know! – and I’ve given the basic rundown more than once. It’s not anything serious yet. He lives in Town, NH. He is 25. etc etc But the mom, the sister, these are people that I’m open with and I’ve been forced to admit out loud that I’m quite smitten. That I’m not sure how he feels. That we aren’t at the point that any relationship-y conversations feel appropriate yet.

We might never get to that point. I think that it would be more obvious to me if he were having the head and the pants feelings (thanks, Captain Awkward). There haven’t been signs of him being enamored with me. So no way in hell am I going to pin any hopes anywhere. Well…I’ll hope at least that he’ll initiate things and continue showing some interest and continue being appealing.

When this baby stops cramping my style, we shall see.

dec. 18 – feelings

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I was so disgustingly peppy today. I don’t have quite enough money in my checking account but things are lining up for Christmas, my vacation is so close to starting, and I had SUCH a good, orgasm-y night last night…I don’t know. I am SO happy. I am SO into Christmas. (And the usual worry and insecurity is underneath.)

I’ve been watching Netflix Grey’s Anatomy in the last week and more than once it’s made me cry. I cried at work a little bit last week (not at an inappropriate time, at least). I saw these goddamn beautiful butterflies drinking a turtle’s tears (!) today and felt like crying. I watched last night’s How I Met Your Mother where Barney and Robin get engaged tonight and I did cry.

The thing is, I went a long time without feeling this emotional. The inconvenient tearfulness hasn’t really been an issue, or I can’t remember the last time it was. I’m overly responsive to things that are touching. It appears that is just how I was designed.

I wonder if it’s partly that having another great time with a very great fella and the build up to it and the afterglow from it has enabled me to be more open. I’m afraid – as always, this blog should be renamed Adventures in Fear of Intimacy – that I’m really experiencing things in a way that I haven’t been until now. I’ve been happy. But recently, I’m happy and I’m sensitive and I’m confident and I’m engaged and I’m busy and I feel like me. I’m not giving the guy the credit, don’t get me wrong. I think it’s me. I think I’m vulnerable. I think that’s good.

The guy thing is not breaking news. It’s the holidays and if things are progressing at all, it’s slowly, and it’s unnecessary. I don’t need get all wrapped up in someone else just because I’m no longer dead inside. I just want to keep feeling things.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! CHRISTMAS!

dec. 14 – madness

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Some things are beyond comprehension. I mean, I think I understand parts well enough, the threads that seem to make up this kind of violence, but not the whole. How can it be that somebody was sick enough to take 26 lives today, at a goddamn elementary school.

I really don’t like the talk happening around this, even when people make points I agree with.

I don’t think it’s wrong that people insist that we address gun control, as Gabrielle Giffords’s husband did recently, because if the issue is not relevant now, when is it? Because we are a nation with a short attention span and it’s only a matter of time before Dancing With the Stars or some shit returns and makes us feel better and complacent. Because we can commit the sin of “politicizing” tragedy if there’s any chance it can do any good, in my opinion.

But…all that seems self-righteous. But…It may make someone feel better, it might feel like doing something.

The thing I hate is that no belief about politics, psychology, or any combination of beliefs can bring me to understanding the reality of what happened. That today happened, that any number of atrocities happened, and that they will continue to happen. Chimpanzees form tribes and fight and kill and eat each other’s babies. Someone in Lawrence, Massachusetts is torturing and mutilating cats in notably horrific ways. Three women in the United States are murdered every day by current or former intimate partners. I’m not saying all these are equal, how do you quantify cruelty?

I would like to say that I don’t comprehend but the truth is, I’m afraid that it might not be that complicated. I’m afraid that every person is born with potential and something is written into our genes or our being such that…look. Look what people do.

It makes me think WHAT THE FUCK and it brought be back to this Dear Sugar column that has been so deservedly acclaimed.

Cheryl Strayed said,

It took me years to figure that out. To hold the truth within me that some things are so sad and wrong and unanswerable that the question must simply stand alone like a spear in the mud.

People are quoting Fred Rogers on Facebook, too.

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.

I’ve been dwelling on all this and it’s not as though it’s going to get me anywhere. That’s just it.

dec. 13 – enthusiasm

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My vacation is one week away! I actually can’t believe. Yet another thing I like about my job is that even a rough week, like this one, seems to go by quickly and by Friday I’m happy again.

It’s not just vacation, it’s Christmas. THESE ARE TWO THINGS THAT I LIKE!

Everything is the best! my apartment is the best my cat is the best my brother is the best christmas is the best angel hair pasta is the best shopping is the best my early xmas present body shop body scrubs are the best (I SMELL LIKE CUPCAKES)

My nephew is 18 months old now. I’m going to first maintain my typical space-respecting kid-friendly demeanor and then, once he loves me, I will proceed to spend the rest of the week squeezing his ridiculously adorable chubby body and feeding him lots of cookies.

In between now and then is another movie with the differently-adorable man I’m dating. I think I’m going to get off my buns and wrap presents.

I don’t think these holidailies entries will be really epic blogging or anything but I want to keep up with it. I would like to look back at the mundane ups and downs I’m going through. I want to remember feeling this content. Even if it’s boring as fuck to the internet.

121212 – the end of special dates

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It’s funny that even the New York Times is commenting on 12/12/12 and it being the last repetitive date we’ll see. It did occur to me. Like, that’s the last “special” day I’ll have. You know, except for all the days I’ll have that will be special for real reasons. Silly.

Besides, my brother pointed out that there’s still 1/3/13, which is also cool, and opens up possibilities for 1/4/14.

12/11/12

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In the past 12 months, I’ve

  • learned to competently parallel park (in very big, welcoming spaces only)
  • signed a lease for the first time
  • started the best job I’ve ever had
  • changed my phone number for the first time in 9 years
  • made new friends
  • been 100% unattached
  • been really, truly independent
  • stayed sexy
  • maintained Starbucks gold rewards status

Not too shabby.