check engine light

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Things are not bad but I can’t say that I’ve been in a good space.

Just before I got home today, my check engine light came on. Could be nothing and is likely a non-emergent thing. But I will let it hang over me until I feel emotionally brave enough to get it checked out. After pay day. Hope it’s a one pay day issue.

Every documentary I watch on Netflix (and they are excellent documentaries – Hot Coffee, The Silent War) seems to lead me back to the depressing and familiar conclusion that we live in Backwards Land where a) nothing in our system makes sense and b) nobody seems to care to be informed about any of it. Tonight it was The House I Live In. I have so many thoughts about it, especially given the career I’ve set out on. Too many…And until I can figure out how to speak about it like a smart person, I highly recommend that you just watch it.

I could be wrong about people being largely ignorant to these issues but even in my organization – the place where we can observe daily the way that everyday people struggle with drug use and have that struggle made harder by roadblocks thrown at them by our justice system and fight to regain any sense of self-worth or purpose and these are the people who have fought hard enough to even attempt treatment, meaning they are already stronger and better equipped than many people I will never meet – I don’t see much consciousness about “THE WAR ON DRUGS” and how much total shit it is.

I’m all about playing the cards you’re dealt and personal responsibility. I will bring clients back to that constantly, because it is not helpful in recovery to focus on unfairness. We all have damage. Unfair or not, this is your circumstance, now what would you like to do with it? I’m alllllllllll about that. But I will not pretend that we all start out on the same playing field. I will do whatever I can do to change this broken system.

But…what is that?

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trayvon martin

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Maybe someday we will look back on this and be ashamed or embarrassed that the system failed so badly. Some people are celebrating tonight…and even were I horribly wrong and that idiot cum folk hero had not committed a criminal act, a mistake was made somewhere. A teenager is dead for no good reason. Who could be jubilant about any part of this situation?

So I’m not all that hopeful about someday. My belief in the inherent good of human beings has taken more than a few hits this week.

grieving for dummies

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These past two days I seem to be living the internal life of a bipolar person.

I’m trying to be professional at work (good) and do my helping profession client-centered thing (good) but maybe not taking stock of my own stuff and instead pushing a lot of toxic feelings to the far reaches of my brain (bad) so that I can just get through my day without breaking down or missing a step.

The stuff comes up, I’m just processing it now on my own personal time and being weird and confrontational with my loved ones. I am angry then jealous then sad then indifferent then bitterly doing a bizarre private comedy performance. God forbid I take 5 minutes out of my work day and risk being less productive for 5 seconds. Then I would be failing. I would not be the champion of grieving OR professionalism. Instead I took the 5 minutes to berate/unfriend a racist on Facebook.

Because what the fuck. You have the audacity to be an unapologetic ignorant asshole when people are in misery and suffering. Somewhere all the time someone is experiencing their worst moment and you are going to decry your status as the “real minority.” Of all of the fucking threats to your existence, you choose population statistics. You know what else, EVERY OTHER Facebook friend, I don’t want to hear about you incorrect Dunkins coffee order or your difficulty sleeping last night. Take your first world problems and file them away in a bespoke refinished decoupage antique rolltop desk as inspired by Pinterest, set it on fire, AND THEN GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Tomorrow is Friday. I will get through this and next time have more grace and less emotional confusion.

I’m not myself right now. Ranting, though useless, is somewhat comforting.

friend break up

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I’ve had an emotional week, as I’m sure a lot of people have.

I just walked home from a friend’s house and I had to tell him that, actually, we can’t be friends right now. I’m sad, to the point that I ache. I just have the feeling that it’s right.

It’s still hard for me to really set boundaries for myself with other people, when I like them. He has every right to make the choices he’s making and I tried to make that clear. I understand where he’s at. But fuck, it’s not healthy for me to be around someone I care about and see them emotionally self-destruct. It’s not in my control, so I need to remove myself from it. It is right, that we had this conversation.

I hope this is temporary. Even if it is, it’s a loss.

My inner circle is small and cozy and I like that usually. Now I’m going to be missing a little chunk of it. This is good for me to do but it’s making me feel lonely and sad and mean and judgmental and lonely.

inadvertent couch potato

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Last Friday I was driving by my apartment complex, heading to Target to grocery shop and drink Starbucks, when my car broke down. It turns out that I was out of oil and the garage found that my radiator needed to be replaced. I hate that I didn’t check the oil. I hate that I couldn’t stop myself from crying while I waited for AAA. Like every car incident I’ve ever had, it ended in uncontrollable tears, and in my being rescued by my father and his car repair connections.

I’ve been sort of disconnected from the whole process since AAA hauled the car away. I’m very lucky that I had somewhere for it to go, that the repair is not epic, that I don’t need to have cash in hand to get it done, that I had PTO for the three days of work I’ve missed so far. I think I will be able to go pick it up tonight. I’m not even calling the garage, I’m letting my dad do it and report back to me despite that he’s not even in the state right now. I feel like such a failure.

I’m much more rational than I was Friday but I can’t quite shake that feeling. I’ve watched a lot of Netflix and tried a lot of new recipes (brownies, pizza dough, crepes) in the past few days and I’m not enjoying it because I feel so lame about calling out of work for 3 days. If my brother had been home, maybe we could have worked out a way for both of us to get to work but even that would have been difficult, and I’m on my own. I know one of the counselors at work lives in my town and even works my hours but we aren’t close and I was not willing to even ask. I guess I think I’m letting someone down by not being there but for fuck’s sake this is a valid reason to not be there. No one is giving me a hard time about it, except me.

I was very hard on myself the other day, mostly because I think I’m 26 and employed I shouldn’t be walking around with $5 in my savings account or driving a 2001 whatever because I can’t afford a car payment or ever need financial help from somebody else. But here I am.

And again, what the fuck, me?! I made a life for myself. I am surviving on my own even if it’s a struggle and I will not be struggling forever. I’m the first person in my family to go to college. I don’t think it makes me smarter or better, since damnnnn I am paying for that degree, but I had goals and I have worked toward achieving them. I pay my bills, even weeks when it means a lot of ramen noodle dinners. I buy Hamlet very good quality cat food despite that he shows no appreciation for it.

I’ve been spending the last three days trying to relax and give myself a break and feel ok. I have. Sometimes I think I have to try to0 hard to not beat myself up. (I don’t need to start a shame spiral about how I have too much shame because that is an exhausting infinity circle of negative self-talk.)

Ugh, the end. I’ll be fine.

hitting the reset button

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I lost my box of Christmas stuff. I’m not missing that much, the only things I was sure I had possession of was stockings for my family and those had only been used four five years or so. I didn’t have our old ornaments. If anyone still has them it would be my dad and so they won’t be unearthed until the A&E crew shows up. (In fact the only ornaments I might have had were 27 wedding favors I painted with my sister and never found a use for.) Still, I’m bummed that I have Christmas items somewhere out there in the void. Including a pretty fantastic plush toilet lid cover with a giant Santa head on it.

As soon as I moved I was worried I had left a box or two there. Would have been buried under former roommate’s mess of belongings and I couldn’t find what I was looking for. Now I can’t ask my former roommate if she ever came across anything because I cut off communication totally and it needs to stay that way. (She is not a stable and reasonable person and she came to the conclusion I should pay 100% for a random repair to the apartment that was discovered by the landlords after I moved and she was moving out. I lived in this ancient apartment for the last year of the four that she occupied it. And that was after she believed I must have taken her mismatched Walmart bowls and silverware. When you pay rent, you shouldn’t have to deal with someone’s mental illness and I definitely didn’t want to deal with it after moving. ALSO! if I asked for compensation for the cookware she ruined or the kid’s library books she lost…Grr.) So. Doubt she would be helpful anyway.

The vague feeling that I was missing things has been bugging me and now I at least know they won’t be found. Last year the holidays were strange. My whole year was a huge transition. Now, I’m more settled.

I thought I had started over last summer. I’m just starting starting over over. (If only because it’s going so much better for me this time.) New stockings must be purchased. Oh Etsy, I’ve missed you my seductive friend.

oops

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Alright, so I’m a little bit homeless. (Don’t even want to get into it internet, but this has been a long time coming.) I just need to move out by October 1, which I think is plenty of time for me to find something temporary.

I don’t like that it came to me giving notice to move with out a plan lined up BUT I’m actually feeling very relieved. I can’t wait to live with some one who can consistently remember to lock doors at night and knows how to work the toilet paper holder in the bathroom.