I’m doing much better, in terms of focusing my energy on
people who have potential to become significant.
Hopefully not in that order.
I had a counseling appointment and my mind was kind of blown. She knew me for like 70 minutes before pointing out to me that I am incredibly uncomfortable with my emotional mind (wise mind = emotional mind + logical mind in harmony, that whole thing). And holy fuck, I’ve been analyzing my own mind since birth, and occasionally on the internet over the last 9 years, and somehow never put the pieces together. OF COURSE I AM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH EMOTIONS.
If you had asked me if I were good with emotions I would have said YES I LOVE THEM! I’m emotionally intelligent! I’m in touch with my feelings!
Sure, I’m in touch with my feelings as far as knowing exactly what they are every second and as far as enjoying a good cry. And I just LOVE other people’s feelings because it makes me feel useful and competent helping them with them. I criticized (not wrongly) my ex for not being able to a) be in touch with his feelings and b) communicate them to me without panic and shutting down.
Meanwhile, I hate my feelings. I think I’m ok with them but every internal conflict, every insecurity I’ve ever had can be reduced to my fear of being vulnerable and my distrust of my emotions. The disconnect between what I believed I should feel and what I naturally as a human being did feel. I would have described myself as emotional and not because I am irrational or led by my emotions but because I think of that side of myself as completely ridiculous, shameful, and embarrassing. That’s not being ok with my emotions, that’s being a perfectionist robot.
(Look my ex was a robot, still. But, hmm.)
I guess the point is, I don’t have all the insight. Having someone to bounce my thoughts off of is going to be helpful and kinda fun. I’m not feeling so raw anyway at the moment. But. I wouldn’t perhaps have the tendency to break into tears nearly as much if all of the tension (IE FEELINGS!) I unconsciously build up inside myself was allowed to escape a little more often.
Truly, I’ve lived my life inside my own head. Where it is safe and comforting and everyone agrees with me. So the fellow I’m dating and trying to sleep with, albeit, without trying trying is quite possibly in his head also. Both of us sitting on the couch trying to find a good, but rejection-proof, method to get into the other’s pants. I am meant, I think, to learn some goddamn emotional bravery.
There’s no guarantee that it will really happen with this fellow, but there never is. I can’t keep dating him if he never initiates and never starts acting incredibly smitten with me. I just think it’s well worth trying to break through this awkwardness. I can cure my inhibitions, if not his.